Food

Welp, I am still adjusting. I’m still down in the trough of last post’s graph, and I imagine I will be there for a little bit. As much as I want to launch into a verbal stream-of-consciousness tantrum (thesis: I am not on top of anything in my life right now, I am on bottom, and yes Stevie G, that *exactly* means that I am a bottom), it’s fundamentally wrong for me to complain about anything while getting a long-overdue pedicure. I will keep this one light and talk about food. 

First of all, our friend John introduced us to a new Thai place that is perfect. It’s perfect. I am so happy I know about it now. It looks like 300 other restaurants here, a nameless little open-air hole in the wall, but in our experience so far, going into those places requires a level of effort for which I usually don’t have the energy. Nothing is in English. Nobody speaks English. We end up literally pointing to other people’s food at other tables and nodding, and ending up over-ordering or under-ordering and trying to figure out a way to be polite if we get a plate of fried cartilage (these places usually only make 4-5 different dishes). I’ve politely swallowed my fair share of cartilage in the last two months. In my mentally defeated state lately, I just don’t have it in me to venture into these places and play charades, feeling like an entitled American not speaking the local language. Now we know of a cheap, delicious place that smells wonderful and I have the names of the good dishes stored in my phone. I’ve already been back for more. One tiny victory!

I’ve been making a list of foods that aren’t here, just because I think it’s interesting. I’m not writing this as a complaint, just as an observation. I haven’t lived here long enough to really miss anything. I will admit that I haven’t found them yet, but I’ve been to all of our major shopping options many times.

1. Spinach. In two months, I've found it in only one time in one place, Makro (our version of Costco), frozen in a huge bag! Very exciting. I didn’t buy it yet, because the two main cuisines I used it in the most were Mexican and Italian. I can find what I need for lasagna, except ricotta, which I can make myself… when I get a cooking thermometer, which was in the mailed-back Amazon package. Everything is a ten-step process. And we can get flour tortillas, but not corn. Or masa. Or even cornmeal. When the stars align and I can gather up what I need for some lasagna or enchiladas, then that giant bag of frozen spinach will be mine. 

2. Mushrooms. There’s a wide variety of Asian mushrooms here, all of which are delicious. I’m particularly fond of these comically phallic looking ones which have a scallop-y texture when sliced and cooked. They’re incredible. 

Amirite?

But the Asian mushrooms all have distinct flavors which don’t mesh well with some of the western food I make at home. I have found regular button mushrooms at Makro, but only sometimes.

3. Grapefruit. Nonexistent. 

4. Turkey. Nonexistent in any form. I’ve heard that the fancy grocery store will get some big frozen ones in around Thanksgiving. I’m fine with not having turkey on Thanksgiving. It probably wouldn’t fit into our easy-bake oven anyway. 

5. Tortilla chips (plain). I see avocados at the markets here and I’m like… but… but… I know we can put avocado on other things, but again, I have to hunt down all the ingredients for those things first. It would take collecting and planning. As with everything else, I will get there. And hey, just like the lack of good sweets here, the absence of tortilla chips can only be a good thing for my waistline. 

6. Ranch dressing. I am not generally a Ranch person; a bottle of it would last about a year in our fridge back home. Again, just an observation. No Ranch. But on the subject of salad dressing, I am a die-hard Good Seasons Italian addict, and will be mail-ordering some of that since that also isn’t sold here.

7. Monterey Jack cheese. Why would it be here? It is the most American of cheeses, with a California city in its name. Also, goat cheese. I could make goat cheese, had my cheese making kit not been sent back to Amazon. (I put in another order and forgot to add back the thermometer and cheese supplies… I was too focused on the goddamn deodorant.) When I stop failing at Thailand I will do that too, because I’ve seen goat milk for sale in several places. Oh, goat cheese.

8. Lemons. I’ve seen them, but they’re a delicacy. Rare, expensive.

9. Artichoke hearts. Absolutely nowhere to be found, in any form (wait! I might have seen them on a pizza! Will have to ask the Aussie restaurant owner for his source). I used to buy Trader Joe’s frozen ones in a bag and roast them for recipes. Man, what a flavor.

10. Whole wheat flour. I have found exactly one place that has it, and they don’t have it often. 90% of the time, that shelf is empty—I’ve found it once. It’s not super-finely ground, so it looks like a cross between wheat flour and wheat germ. I make banana bread with it and it comes out pretty dense, like I used cornmeal. I like that texture though.

11. Cheerios. Of course. The American standard. Nowhere to be found. I love Cheerios but I’m okay with not having them for a few years. I’ll live. There are other cereals.

That’s my list for now. I guess if I had to pick something I miss, it’s grilled food. We grilled a lot back home, and not having a grill here limits our usual cooking choices. There are grills in Thailand, of course, our house just doesn’t have one.

Oooooh, barracuda. See the eye of some unfortunate prey peeking out of one's mouth?

 On the subject of food and eating, I’ve been dealing with constant low-level nausea for about a week now. I think it might be egg-related, which is a bummer because eggs are one of my favorite foods and the yolks here are a gorgeous dark orange. Fun fact: your body doesn't know the difference between tropical sweat and puke sweat. I'm always sweating, so... It doesn’t help that I have seen more maggots in the past two weeks than I have seen in my entire life, usually coming out of some fruit or vegetable on my plate (one at a time—it’s not like I unleash a colony with my fork. I think that makes a difference). Maggots LOVE tomatoes, my god. And I’ve said it before, I’m gross, I’ll eat food right off the floor. But finding a tiny white worm in my salad makes me silently cross the line from belching Frat Guy to squeamish Sorority Sister. 

The other thing that hasn’t helped the nausea is the slightly corpse-y smell that pervades any place that sells meat, from the street vendor to the fanciest market. Yes, I hear you, my vegan friends, I know. It doesn’t smell rotten, exactly, it just smells like… death. I feel like my visceral reaction to it is a primal instinct, like don’t eat that. My normally strong stomach is becoming a skilled gymnast. I can't even drink coffee right now, but tea is okay. One would think I would be shedding weight with all that nausea, but no! My stomach has no problem with leftover birthday cake or green tea Kit Kats, natch. Especially when they're shoveled into my mouth over the kitchen sink. What?

There is no Indian food in Chiang Rai, and I miss it dearly. Every once in a while, at school, there will be something on the lunch line that tastes vaguely Indian, and I inhale it. I am fortunate that I can make just about anything, but finding the spices has been a challenge. Just today, Nick managed to find the last few things I need to make garam masala! And yesterday I saw some gorgeous ginger, young and fresh and juicy, and cauliflower at one of the vegetable markets. I don’t have a microplane grater anymore, but I do have my trusty knives. Something Indian is on the horizon.

We’re actually planning to spend next weekend in Chiang Mai, the “big city” three hours down the road. We’re literally going to shop and eat. There is Mexican food there. Maybe we can find some samosas. Considering the way our other ventures have gone so far (with the girls), I am sort of cringing at the idea of going anywhere. 

I’ll leave you with a short video of our school cafeteria at lunch. The food there is fantastic. I am a total frumpadoodle in this video, but my looks fit my life right now. Failure chic. Enjoy!