I. Stressful mind vs. relaxed mind
99% of the time, I'm thinking about what I want to write here when I'm running, driving, in the shower, or anywhere else I can't actually write, but can actually think. But even after a long drive, I would feel my mind start to tense up with obligations as I'd approach my house, ticking off items on my mental to-do list. For the past decade, my father and I have had season tickets to Boston Ballet. It's dawned on me for the past couple years that I enjoy going partly because I like ballet, but partly because it's one place in my life where my thoughts cannot be interrupted, and there's beautiful music to boot. My thoughts twist and grow like vines, with branching tangents, and occasional epiphanies to add bursts of color. I'm so looking forward to what my mind can do when it's given a little wiggle room. What new things will I learn? Will I be more creative? How?
II. We are leaving in six days.
Not to Thailand just yet; we'll be in Omaha for a week. But in six days we will officially be portable. No cars, no straggly leftover crap like we have now. Just suitcases.
In the past two months, as we've talked to other people about our plans, I've started feeling like we are somehow breaking the rules. We're bucking the social code. It is FUN! So fun, and surprisingly easy. Making the decision to do this was the hardest part. It’s fascinating to see the visceral reactions we get from other people. Everyone gets the wide eyes. But then it goes one of two ways: Some people get a look on their face like “…I wonder if I could do that? How are you doing that?” One night, a friend of ours had a few drinks and really got into the nitty gritty of it—questioning the meaning of life and what we’re all meant to do, why does he have the house in the suburbs and so on. It was fantastic, but I did feel a little bad for him. Fortunately, this couple is Indian, so they’ve already seen much of the world. Other people look at us with an almost hurt look, like we are betraying everyone. How dare we challenge the rules? That’s not what people are supposed to do. But I'll tell you... once you get a taste of the unorthodox...
A few weeks ago I had a dream that I shaved off most of my hair and dyed the remaining mohawk bright pink. When the clippers first hit my head, I had a moment of "Oh no-- wait! Should I be--? Well, I guess there's no turning back now." Then I got lots of compliments on my crazy hair.
I feel
more ready than ever. I have to say that since we accepted this job, I have never wavered from 100% certainty that this we are doing the right thing. I could board a plane today and
not look back. At least not for several months, until I felt refreshed
and healthy
enough. Here, we are exhausted all the time. We never have the money to
travel anywhere to relieve the burden of our daily grind, in spite of
how hard we work.
We’re too tired to exercise, so we’re fat and weak and pale.
This past winter’s record snow had us housebound for two months, so I
sat and ate and drank too much wine out of boredom and frustration. Now
I’m a gray tired lump who lives in the car, usually crawling in miles of traffic.
The car
is cluttered, the house is cluttered, our schedules are cluttered, our
minds are cluttered. We are squeezing ourselves out with
almost nothing to refill our pitchers. We are desperate for color and
sunshine and
fresh air and motion; but also for Zen-like clean slates and peace & quiet. Anthony Bourdain says that going to Thailand is like
seeing a whole new set of colors that he never knew existed. We are ready.
III. My health.
I had a long conversation with my cousin last night. She is a therapist. She was the first person to acknowledge the effect that this lifestyle (and cortisol) has had on our physical health. I've known it all along, but I feel like it's ignored in this country because it's just how things are. Everyone is tired and overweight and stressed out. I refuse to accept this. I touched on my health in the previous paragraph, but I am currently at the weight I was when I left the hospital after giving birth. I barely recognize myself in the mirror. I feel my heart race sometimes, standing for a while starts to hurt my feet, and I've actually started to notice difficulty reaching parts of my body, like tying my shoes. It's downright alarming for someone who has considered herself fit and active, a runner since age 8. I've swallowed every bit of this stress for the past two years, accelerating in the last six months, hitting critical mass in the last few weeks as we've been meeting up with various people to celebrate and say goodbye. I've tried to be accepting and body-positive and all of those nice things, but the truth is, this is not my normal body and I am very uncomfortable.
IV. What I won't miss here.
I have to do this one first so I finish on a positive note.
A. Traffic. Christ.
B. The obsession with Dunkin Donuts. I don't get it. Weak, gross coffee.C. Car commercials, both TV and radio. They are a scourge on my ears, with the fast yelling and the guitars and the LOUD! And what's with the rapid-fire legalese at the end?
D. The Clear Channel, big-box sameness of this country. Also, Black Friday. It's a national embarrassment (not the concept of it, but people's behavior).
E. The new rules of American (helicopter) parenting. I'm so sick of hearing constant worry and hand-wringing over everything. I have tried (and utterly failed) to convince people that the US is actually a safer place now than it was 40 years ago, but the statistics are ignored. I'm tired of fear and I'm tired of being judged. There's so much judgment!
F. The mean side of American culture. That people would do this. Or this. Or think cutting aid to the poor is okay, because they should Bootstrap it. And I'm done with hearing accusations of laziness being thrown around... see above with everyone exhausted. We should work 60 hours a week, but also be physically fit and spend time with our families because it's our personal responsibility. Ugh.
G. American religious conservatism and its influence in politics.
V. What I will miss here.
A. I will miss Trader Joe's, and our local farm (Shaw Farm in Dracut-- everything is awesome there).
B. I will miss an election year! Gladly! (PS, Go Bernie.)C. The New England accent & culture. I love it here. Boston is a fantastic city. I feel very welcome here, I feel like these are my people. They are genuine, friendly, funny, intelligent, and a little raunchy. These are the people that made this great story happen, and I was so proud to be a part of it.
D. Knowing everyone. Okay, not everyone. But our real estate agent, our mortgage broker, our plumber, electrician, handyman... they all know each other. The guy who fixes my car is a former student and puts smiley faces on my oil change sticker. I love driving through Lowell and knowing alternate routes and shortcuts, and I know most of Boston by heart. It's all very comforting.
I've been writing this for two hours now (!!) when I should be cleaning my classroom. The next time I get to blog will probably be in Omaha.
